I hate this.

I hate how I always feel I can't help myself and then I sign on to help other people when they're in need. I've never even had this kind of position before and yet I'm the one that still needs help. I never had anyone else in my life help me because I've always kept it to myself, but when I finally find someone that is more than willing to help me, I don't know how to thank them or help them. Maybe I'm just a selfish bitch that loves to take everything that is given to me and be an ungrateful little shit about it, but when I think about it and look back, I really do appreciate all the help and love that is given to me.

But even now, with all the help you've given me, I don't know how to help you. Every time you get mad at me, I just freeze up and start having anxiety attacks because I don't know what to do or say to help you get better. For most of my life I've been dealing with my problems by myself this way, isolating myself from everyone and pushing away all help.

I really do want to help you but I never learned how. Feeling so empty and helpless.